The Trurogirl Diaries

Taking A Break...

2011-03-28T12:29:00.018-04:00

I'm doing well - now 3 1/2 years from diagnosis...at this time, I'm concentrating my creative energy on my photography, and on losing weight to be even healthier :)

My photo stream is available on Instagram; my name there is... (you guessed it!) trurogirl

Here's a link to my Instagram photo feed: http://web.stagram.com/n/trurogirl/

My best advice to all from this point in my journey:

Enjoy every day of your life, and find beauty in the little things :)

Your MRI - A Hidden Danger

2010-09-29T19:24:00.010-04:00

The FDA recently announced that it was requiring new warnings about the use of gadolinium contrast agents (dyes) used in MRI scans. Gadolinium has been conclusively connected with a rare, potentially fatal kidney condition called NSF (Nephrogenic Systemic Fibrosis). The named contrast agents most often linked to NSF are: Magnevist, Omniscan, and Optimark.

NSF is a progressive thickening of the skin's connective tissue: it can eventually affect the joints, eyes, and, most seriously, the internal organs. Patients experience tightening and hardening of the skin, with dark or reddened patches. The disease can lead to joint contracture, preventing normal movement; if it affects the internal organs, it can be fatal.

Breast cancer patients routinely undergo yearly breast MRIs in addition to our regular screening mammograms. The MRI visualizes the breast tissue without using radiation, and it can detect abnormalities which a mammography cannot. Using both of these methods provides a more comprehensive evaluation.

The MRI consists of 2 phases: a non-contrast phase, which happens first; then, the contrast phase, where an IV of saline mixed with gadolinium is administered; this provides an enhanced level of imaging.

Following the MRI, patients are advised to drink a large amount of water in order to flush the gadolinium out of their body. The added fluid lessens the chemical's impact on the kidneys, as gadolinium is a toxic substance.

Patients who have kidney disease or who are at risk for reduced kidney function should have only a non-contrast MRI, or have their physician explore non-contrast-based imaging options, due to their high risk of developing NSF.

Any patient who is experiencing a lessened ability to eliminate drugs from their system should have their kidney function evaluated prior to having a MRI using contrast.

Most patients needing a contrast MRI will have the capacity to eliminate the gadolinium from their system rapidly by drinking more water for a day or so. But, if there is any question of impaired kidney function, patients should consult with their physician before undergoing this type of imaging.

This Friday, STAND UP!!

2010-09-04T09:20:00.013-04:00

On Friday, September 10th, at 8PM Eastern Time, Stand Up To Cancer will hold a multi-network 1-hour simulcast to raise funds for cancer research.

Celebrity actors, musicians, athletes, journalists, and others will all appear during the telecast; several were also cancer patients themselves, and have successfully journeyed through treatment to recovery.

There isn't a single person alive whose life hasn't been touched directly or indirectly by cancer. Before I became a patient, I had already lost my Father, Aunt, Uncle, and a dear childhood playmate to this dread disease. Right now, my wonderful Stepmother and a co-worker are also in treatment.

The mission of Stand Up To Cancer is to raise funds which go entirely and directly to cutting-edge cancer research, accelerating this process so that current and future cancer patients can get the greatest benefit in the shortest possible timeframe. It also celebrates the 12 million cancer survivors living every day in defiance of the disease, which gives hope to others should they ever be faced with a cancer diagnosis.

I have been a member of SUTC since the first telecast in the Fall of 2008. I donated without hesitation, and was energized by this innovative approach to funding research. At the time, I also dedicated a star in the cancer "constellation" in memory of my Father; this is a wonderful way of memorializing a loved one whose life has been taken by the disease.

SUTC invites us as cancer patients to create a profile and also make a statement about how we personally "stand up to cancer"; my Profile is available at the following Link, but I will also post it below:

http://su2c.standup2cancer.org/custom/?c=profile&a=index&id=17595

It has now been 3 years since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I am now a "Survivor"... Most days, I don't even think about cancer; even though I can clearly remember how it overwhelmed every aspect of my life for weeks and months. My life is forever changed, and some changes are for the better.

Cancer has put everything else in my life in perspective. Finding joy in each day is the most important thing to me. I now realize that life is all about "the little things". Living in the "now", and truly experiencing what is all around you, makes you feel that you are not wasting any precious minutes of your life. This attitude is one that enhances life for all of us, not just cancer patients.

Cancer has helped me realize that I am an extremely strong person. I write about my experiences on my website, in the hope that it might help others going through their journey back to health: http://trurogirl.blogspot.com

Cancer has robbed us of far too many friends, loved ones, and family. We must work together to make it a thing of the past. Stand up, everyone!!

me to never allow cancer to claim my spirit or take away my smile

Please watch the telecast Friday; it will touch your heart, and it will also inspire you. Donate to SUTC so that together, we will be able to make cancer "history".

The Most Costly Disease In The World

2010-08-21T09:05:00.009-04:00

If an interviewer asked "people on the street" what they thought was the greatest threat to worldwide health, the answers would most likely be "AIDS", "Malaria", "Flu", or another infectious disease. I would have given a similar response.

Surprisingly, the answer is - "cancer".

At a global cancer conference being held in China this week, the American Cancer Society presented new findings about cancer: not about treatments, cure rates, or research, but that cancer is now the world's leading cause of death, and literally costs more than any other disease in terms of disability and years of life lost.

A staggering $895 billion was attributed to cancer's economic cost for 2008 - this is roughly 1.5% of the entire world's GDP (gross domestic product). And, this is only the figure linked to disability and life-years lost to the disease. The costs of treatment, which are not included here, are also astronomical, and will only increase in the coming years.

The World Health Organization has estimated that cancer would replace heart disease as the leading cause of death this year. In 2008, 7.6 million people worldwide died of cancer, and each year, 12.4 million new cases are diagnosed.

This is an impending world health crisis of unimaginable proportions. Some are now comparing it to the global crisis leading to increased spending on AIDS in the early 1990s. The current 3% of public and private funding dedicated to global health must be greatly increased if we are to have any hope in turning the tide against cancer.

Many Women Not Informed of Reconstruction Options

2010-08-21T08:25:00.006-04:00

Last Sunday, New York signed a new State Law requiring hospitals and physicians to discuss breast reconstruction options with patients prior to performing cancer surgery.

Sadly, although breast reconstruction following cancer surgery has been a Federally mandated covered benefit since 1998, the rate of post-mastectomy reconstructions is far lower for poor and minority women. I know that this is the case.

I had personally been asked to research this issue a while ago, and I was completely taken aback to see the incredibly low rate of reconstructions vs. mastectomies in the Bronx. It did not ring true that 80% or more of these women would actively choose to live the rest of their lives this way, when the law says that they are entitled to reconstructive surgery. Not all women are medically eligible for reconstruction, but this could not possibly account for the disparity. Were these women not aware that reconstruction is indeed a covered benefit? Could something be done to raise awareness of the situation, and help these women to be "whole" again, following the devastation which cancer had caused them?

A major factor is that women undergoing mastectomies at hospitals which do not offer breast reconstruction were not informed of their right to have this procedure performed at another hospital equipped to offer this service. From now on, if the hospital where the mastectomy was done does not offer breast reconstruction, it is mandated that the patient be referred to a facility where the procedure is available. In the NYC area, breast cancer patients at academic medical centers, which have breast plastic surgeons on staff, are far more likely to be informed of, and to undergo, breast reconstruction. The new legislation will ensure referrals to these institutions for post-mastectomy patients.

I was fortunate enough to undergo surgery and treatment at a facility of my choice. This legislation means that other women will have access to the same level of care and treatment options, no matter where they are initially treated for their breast cancer.

The Kindness of Strangers - Angels Everywhere

2010-07-17T08:26:00.013-04:00

Last Wednesday, I traveled into Manhattan to attend an all-day conference in Midtown. After leaving the conference, I was walking to meet my husband at his office, when I tripped over an electrical cord which was taped to the sidewalk. The cord was not flat the entire width of the pavement, and as I stepped around to avoid it, my left foot was caught in the space between the sidewalk and the light pole where the cord originated (!). I fell hard into the street, right next to a man who was hailing a cab.

He immediately stopped what he was doing, grabbed both my hands, and lifted me back up onto the sidewalk. He asked me if I was OK, and said that if I needed to, he would use the cab to get me to the nearest hospital.

I said that I thought that I could still walk, but that I had hurt my left knee, elbow, and ribs, as I landed on my left side when I fell. I thanked him several times for his kindness, and he said that he would not leave me until I was sure that I was OK. He was a sweetheart. I told him that he was going straight to Heaven for being so kind to me. He was very modest, and said that he was only doing what anyone else would do in a similar situation. I really was somewhat in shock at the time; I was still trying to process what had happened to me.

While this was going on, a very petite Asian woman was silently brushing the dirt from my pant leg with her hands, and she patted me on the shoulder. I couldn't believe that she was doing this - it was so sweet. I thanked her, and she just smiled - I don't think that she spoke English. Several other people stopped and offered their help as I tried to get myself back together after falling. They were being kind to a total stranger in one of the busiest cities in the world, a city with an underserved reputation for having cold, unfeeling citizens.

I can say this because I was met with similar acts of kindness and generosity when I was run over by a van 15 years ago in Manhattan. People were absolutely wonderful to me, and I actually made friends as a result of that experience.

So, even though I'm writing this while I'm still in pain, recovering from my brush with the "mean streets", the truth is that there were caring, kind people who stopped what they were doing to give aid and comfort to someone they didn't even know.

I feel very grateful for that, and I do believe that there are "angels" everywhere, in the form of people who will stop and help a total stranger who has been hurt.

The drawing accompanying this post was done by a little girl who was dying of the cancer which ultimately claimed her young life. Even though she knew that she was dying, she still saw herself as being watched over by angels.

Right now, I am thinking the very same thing. These people were my "angels", and I wasn't alone.

When You Look In The Mirror

2010-06-27T08:05:00.011-04:00

What do you see when you look in the mirror? And, how do you want others to see you?

I know how very difficult it is when you are diagnosed, undergoing surgery and treatment, to see the person in your mirror as anything else but a "cancer patient".

Your entire waking existence revolves around office visits, x-rays, scans, lab testing, blood drawing, taking meds, and trying to cope mentally, emotionally, and physically with your new unwanted identity. Cancer has erased the person whom you used to be prior to your diagnosis; you will never be the same.

Most of us are forced to lose part of our body to cancer; but, you don't have to relinquish your identity to it as well. You may even decide to see this as a kind of "rebirth" of the rest of your life. Now, as someone facing your own mortality, what is truly important is very clear; and the person whom you see in the mirror is indeed still you, after everything which you have experienced.

As more and more people living with cancer (over 12 million, at last count) finish treatment and enter their survivorship stage, they will be redefining their own lives. As survivors, we also have a real opportunity to empower and help others; both our fellow cancer patients, and those who might someday also face the disease. This is the reason why I am writing here about my experiences, and sharing them with you. I'm almost 3 years from diagnosis, and there are days when I don't even think about cancer.

It's unfortunate that cancer patients are continually bombarded with the "warrior" and "fighter" personas which are automatically bestowed on us. I believe that the very best way to diminish cancer's power over us is to be true to ourselves, and to define our own lives. Remember, you are not defined by your disease; or by what image society attributes to someone in our situation.

There are many times, even now, when I don't particularly feel like a "warrior" as I deal with my daily symptoms. I don't feel particularly strong or empowered when I'm overcome, literally, by the severe hot flashes caused by my anti-estrogen meds. This happens at least a dozen times a day, and during the night: besides any normal activity, it can be set off by things like standing too close to the toaster, drying my hair, ironing clothes...but I have chosen to laugh it off, and say to myself, "Only 2 and a half more years of taking this drug - I'm almost halfway through!" And, I was the person who was always cold...!

When people describe me, I think that they would most likely say, "She's an upbeat, funny, short woman with blonde hair, who always has a smile for everyone. She loves reading, sci-fi, architecture, history, gardening, pugs; she loves Hawai'i, and plans to move to Maui in retirement. She also happens to be a person who had breast cancer." Cancer is far from the first thing people associate with me, and that's exactly the way I want to be seen, because that's how I see myself.

I have vowed that even though cancer could take my life, I will never allow it to claim my smile, or change the essence of my personality: then, it will have "won" in another way. That, to me, would be even more tragic than dying.

When you feel overwhelmed by fear and worry, think about this: no one knows how much time they have left in this world. And, have you ever considered that you may die from something other than your cancer?

Put your life in perspective, and focus on your present and your future. Be as "you" as you can be; this is the best advice that I could possibly give to the person you see in the mirror.

32 Years!!

2010-06-18T19:28:00.010-04:00

On June 17, 1978, two very young people in love got married outside in a wooded setting, by a little pond with ducks, on the grounds of a historic New England restaurant. We had been engaged for four years, the entire time I was attending college. Our wedding day was a little over a year after I graduated from college and my groom graduated from art school.

As we stood there and said our vows, to remain together "...for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, 'til death do we part", our entire history together was yet to be made. There is something brave and touching about seeing any two people get married: so much love and hope for the future is present on that special day.

Yesterday marked our 32nd wedding anniversary; we have walked through all of life's experiences together, no matter what. We have seen beloved parents and family become ill and then be taken from us; we moved from our hometown, left everything and everyone we knew, and started a new life together 20 years ago in "the Big City". We have traveled halfway around the world together, knowing that we truly are at home wherever we can simply be in each other's presence.

We have had our share of problems, as all couples do; but our commitment to each other and to our marriage has been a constant force in our lives. Most of all, we have gone through my cancer experience as a team every step of the way, and it has brought us even closer together. I will never forget the look in my husband's eyes as I was being prepared for my cancer surgery; no words were needed to let me know how much I mean to him, and how much he wanted to have me in his life for many years to come.

I cannot believe that we have been fortunate enough to be best friends who have been married to each other for 32 years. The day after our anniversary, I said to my husband, "Today is the first day of the next 32 years of our marriage!" We both would be very happy to walk through life, holding hands, for as long as Fate gives to us.

Every single day that I have him in my life is a gift. He is the one person I can trust, the person who can make everything all right, whose love is truly unconditional. He loves and accepts me exactly as I am; and I feel the same way about him. We have found a "home" in each other.

My dream is to continue growing old with him: that is what life and love means to me.

Another National Cancer Survivors Day

2010-06-05T09:21:00.014-04:00

Tomorrow, June 6th, is National Cancer Survivors Day: this is traditionally observed on the first Sunday in June.

It is a day for cancer survivors, their loved ones, and their caregivers to all celebrate life. Today, there are 11 million cancer survivors in the US, and I am very grateful to be one of them. I owe my life to my wonderful surgeon, radiation oncologist, oncologists, radiologists, and their support staffs: I am forever in their debt.

I was diagnosed almost 35 months ago; that day now seems very far in the past. As I have written elsewhere, the diagnosis of cancer is no longer a death sentence, as it truly was earlier in my lifetime. By living, we have robbed cancer of its power to overcome us, and each day is a victory.

The fact that National Cancer Survivors Day even exists is testimony to the tireless efforts of researchers and caregivers to find new ways to improve and prolong the lives of those who have been diagnosed with cancer. And, it is also a testament to those who have invented and improved methods for detecting cancers in their earliest stages (my cancer was Stage I, could not be felt, and was only visible as a cluster of microcalcifications on my mammogram).

The day is also intended to demonstrate that cancer survivors everywhere can lead active, productive lives; in most cases, much like those in their community who are living without cancer. I am still amazed that during my entire cancer treatment, including 2 surgeries, that I never spent one night in a hospital, and that I didn't have to take any work-related disability leave. I was able to work throughout my treatment.

All of us who are living with cancer face varying survivorship issues, but the important thing is that we are alive: that is what tomorrow is all about!

Take one day at a time; find joy in each day, and with those close to you. Do not allow worrying about your future to cloud your present!

Below are some links from the "Coping With Cancer" website:

More information on cancer and cancer survivorship:
National Cancer Survivors Day: www.ncsd.org
National Cancer Institute: www.cancer.gov
American Society of Clinical Oncology: www.cancer.net
American Cancer Society’s Cancer Facts & Figures:
http://www.cancer.org/docroot/STT/STT_0.asp
American Cancer Society: www.cancer.org

I Got My Wish!!

2010-05-23T07:41:00.005-04:00

I haven't posted anything for a while, but I had a very good reason: I just came back from MAUI!!!

My husband had read my January post about how much I missed Maui, and so, on my birthday, my surprise present from him was - 10 days in Maui!! My greatest gift in life is having him in it; but this is a gift I will always hold most dear.

It meant so much to me psychologically to be able to go there again after my illness; it is the farthest that I have ever traveled, and I'm happy to say that the trip was amazing. Just to have the chance to be there again was restorative, and soothed my soul.

Emerson wrote: "Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink the wild air" - this is exactly what we did there. To me, Maui is a most spiritual place, even though I am not a religious person. Just being there, I feel tremendously at peace; it's difficult to put into words.

I know in my heart that I will return there; hopefully one day to spend the rest of my life in my beloved Maui. Maui, you will always have my aloha...!

Cancer Patients - Another Battlefront

2010-04-17T07:03:00.010-04:00

Tuesday's Wall Street Journal had an unsettling article about cancer patients who are financially overwhelmed by the costs associated with their treatment.

Surprisingly, the vast majority of cancer patients under age 65 (70%) do indeed have private health insurance coverage. However, policies with lifetime caps on benefit payouts and sizable out-of-pocket costs can wreak financial devastation on a cancer patient and his/her family. Adding to this is the fact that cancer patients' income is reduced, or eliminated, during their time away from work; this sets up a scenario for financial ruin.

This seems terribly unfair, as dealing with your diagnosis and getting through treatment is challenging enough. And, the added emotional stress of being financially overwhelmed is certainly counterproductive to getting well.

Patients who are insured usually believe that they would not qualify for any type of financial assistance with their treatment costs. So, they are forced to dip into their savings, if they have any, in order to pay their expenses not covered by insurance. Otherwise, difficult choices have to be made, such as between the basic necessities of life and the costs of their daily cancer medications.

When we hear the words "cancer support", naturally we think of peer groups, counseling, and other resources dedicated to helping the patient deal emotionally with diagnosis and the treatment path. Now, programs are being developed to support patients as they face overwhelming financial challenges while simultaneously having to confront a life-threatening illness.

Although this is a positive sign, many patients are still totally unaware of these financial assistance resources; as they are not in the usual "care package" of support contacts normally shared with cancer patients. This has to change!

I was extremely fortunate that I was able to work from home during my surgeries and treatment. I didn't have to be on medical disability, so my normal income wasn't affected. However, if my cancer recurs, more extensive treatment would be needed. Then, I could find myself in a similar financial dilemma, even though I have excellent medical insurance.

Below are the names and website addresses of the agencies listed in the WSJ article: I'm hoping that we will never need them, but I also know that cancer plays no favorites. Having knowledge about our treatment options, and about how to deal with potential financial issues is empowering.

Patient Access Network | panfoundation.org

CancerCare | cancercare.org

Patient Advocate Foundation | patientadvocate.org

Partnership for Prescription Assistance | pparx.org

Cancer Support Community | cancersupportcommunity.org

Finding True Happiness With Someone

2010-04-03T06:29:00.027-04:00

How many of us are fortunate enough to find true happiness just being in our partner's presence?

This is exactly how I feel whenever I am near my husband.

Next Tuesday is the 37th anniversary of the day that we met.

He has stayed by my side through the darkest of times, and

every obstacle that we have faced only serves to strengthen

our bond.

One of my favorite Irish proverbs is: "There is no love like

the love an old man has for his old wife." As we grow old

together, I see the truth and wisdom of this statement.

He is the treasure and the joy of my life.

It's Official: Material Things Aren't the Source of Happiness

2010-03-07T09:01:00.004-05:00

A study published recently in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology concluded that spending your money on experiences (trips, concerts, movies, dining out) brings more happiness than purchasing material things.

The study, which combined results from eight separate studies, found that people had more anxiety over making the right material purchase; were more likely to compare their material purchase with those of others; were envious of others who had made a superior purchase of a similar object; and, perhaps most important, their initial satisfaction with their purchase diminished over time.

To me, this really isn't very surprising. Our entire culture encourages competing with others on a material level, which is both wasteful and mentally unhealthy. For example, when we bought our house, we didn't replace any of the existing major appliances: they all worked very well, so we continued to use them. Some of them are over 20 years old now, still attractive, and still working!

About 25 years ago, I saw a magnet in a shop on Cape Cod which perfectly expressed my thoughts. It says, "The most precious things in life aren't things."

Unfortunately, some people never realize this, and they are constantly disappointed when the material things which they surround themselves with don't bring them the happiness that they imagined.

As I have written here, cancer patients are frequently given a very precious gift; the realization that living in the "now", and finding beauty and joy in the many little experiences which happen from moment to moment, are what truly feeds our souls. I knew this long before being diagnosed, and I continue to live my life this way.

Experiences can be held in your heart for the rest of your life. And, you can have meaningful and enjoyable ones each day that don't cost you a cent! It's simply a matter of changing your mindset. We would all be healthier if we adopted this way of seeing the world.

Aspirin reducing breast cancer deaths?

2010-02-18T17:49:00.004-05:00

Last Tuesday, The Journal of Clinical Oncology published the results of a study showing that aspirin appears to have a dual benefit: it reduces both the risk of cancer death and the risk of early-stage breast cancer spreading to other body sites.

The study involved over 4,000 nurses who have been participating in the Nurses Health Study since 1976. Early-stage breast cancer survivors who took aspirin 2 - 5 days a week reduced their risk of death by 71%, and their risk of their cancer spreading by 60%. Interestingly, taking aspirin 6 to 7 times a week reduced death risk by 64% and spread risk by 43%, so more frequent dosing did not increase the protective effect of the drug.

How aspirin and other NSAIDs such as ibuprofen and naproxen work to stop tumors from spreading and recurring is not yet known. Study researchers think that tumor growth may be fueled by inflammation; NSAIDs interfere with this process, depriving cancer cells of a favorable environment in which to grow and thrive.

Both estrogen-positive and non-hormone dependent tumors were adversely affected; so this finding could potentially benefit virtually all breast cancer patients.

At the moment, no one should start taking aspirin or other NSAIDs in the hope of preventing future cancers; patients on radiation or chemotherapy should NOT take these drugs due to their potential side effects. Also, NSAIDs can cause stomach irritation and bleeding; so consult with your oncologist first before adding any other drug to your cancer regimen.

Interesting news, though! Perhaps aspirin really is a "wonder drug" in an entirely new way.

It's My Birthday - Time To Look Fabulous!!

2010-02-07T07:26:00.005-05:00

Today is my Birthday, the third one I've been able to celebrate since being diagnosed! I'm not a girl who enjoys getting dressed up and going out; I'd rather relax at home. But, I can "dress up" and give myself a new look via the magic of the Internet. In the spirit of my friends at Fight Pink, I now have pink hair - without using any harmful chemicals!

Thanks to RuPaul's "dragulator" website http://www.dragulator.com , I can channel my inner fabulousness! Try it, it's really fun and great for a laugh!

This is my alter ego, "Cinnamon Lakewood"...you'll see how I got this name if you visit the website.

Breast Cancer Isn't the #1 Killer of Women

2010-02-05T09:06:00.005-05:00

With all of the constant publicity about breast cancer, you might be tempted to believe that it is the #1 killer of women. Breast cancer is so much in the public eye that it's easy to have the impression that most women die from it than any other medical cause. This is NOT the case; there is another disease which claims ONE of EVERY THREE WOMEN, and we all need to remember this fact (even myself, a breast cancer patient!).

Heart Disease claims the lives of more women than any other disease, even breast cancer! To raise awareness of this sobering fact, today has been designated as "National Wear Red Day" by the American Heart Association. Women wear red today to spread the message that Heart Disease claims far too many women (and men), and leads to years of disability and diminished quality of life for others.

My Mother had debilitating congestive heart failure for years; she was a heavy smoker for decades, and could never manage to quit. She had to sleep sitting up, could barely walk even a few steps without becoming exhausted, and she died at age 59 from a heart attack. My goal even before I lost her 22 years ago was to adopt a healthy lifestyle so that this would not happen to me. Until I was diagnosed with cancer, I led a model life in terms of heart health. I'm struggling to get back to my former weight and level of activity, because I know this is vital to my survival.

Do you know the risk factors for heart disease? Having even one of these doubles your risk of developing heart disease:

Smoking

Diabetes

Overweight/obese

Physically inactive

High blood pressure

High cholesterol

Age (55 and older for women)

Family history of coronary disease

Visit the Go Red for Women website for valuable information and assistance in improving your heart health: http://www.goredforwomen.org/index.aspx

Do what you can to improve your risk factors and to lead a long, healthy life. We all can agree on this!

Winter Dreams of Maui

2010-01-18T05:55:00.012-05:00

Here, a cold rain is falling, but 6,000 miles away, the air is fragrant and warm...

You look up and see the green slopes of Haleakala above you, rising to the cloudline...

Turn around, and the warm water and powdery beach sand are there for your relaxation; there is always an island in sight:

You are in paradise, and there is nowhere else that you would rather be...

Maui, you live in my heart...

Pomegranates May Fight Breast Cancer in 2 Ways

2010-01-17T14:22:00.003-05:00

A recent study found that a specific group of chemicals found in pomegranates successfully inhibited the cell growth of estrogen-positive breast cancer tumors; and, these compounds also suppressed aromatase from being used by the body to produce estrogen. So, these chemicals both prevent or slow the growth of actual cancer cells, and, they simultaneously create an environment detrimental to the creation of estrogen-positive tumor cells. Right now, one specific compound called urolithin B was found to have the greatest significant effect upon inhibiting the growth of breast cancer cells.

Because pomegranates have a high antioxidant content, they have gotten attention in recent years. You can easily find pomegranate juice and juice drinks containing pomegranate in supermarkets these days. I myself have been drinking a cranberry-pomegranate juice combination for well over a year now, because it's not soda (!) and I enjoy the taste.

Being 2 years into a 5-year course of an aromatase inhibitor (Arimidex), I know that many women discontinue these drugs due to severe joint pain, increase of fractures, and uncontrollable flushing/sweating. I haven't experienced joint pain, I take Fosamax weekly (which is thought to also prevent against cancer spreading to the bones), and daily meds for the increased flushing events. I will continue to take Arimidex faithfully until the end of my 5 years.

It would be extremely beneficial to patients who can't tolerate the aromatase inhibitors if eating pomegranates or drinking pomegranate juice could equal the drugs' proven results. One question is, how much pomegranate would have to be consumed, and how often, in order for the phytochemicals to be effective? Also, the results can be markedly different in a laboratory environment versus being tested on actual patients. What works in a petri dish, sadly, does not always work in the bloodstream.

I am hopeful about this news, and until then, it certainly couldn't hurt for estrogen-positive breast cancer patients to add pomegranate products to their diet. Aromatase inhibitors are still the most effective treatment for hormone-positive cancer, and we should keep this in mind.

Showtime Picks Up Linney Cancer Comedy

2010-01-09T09:16:00.009-05:00

I just saw this headline, and I have to say that I find the expression "cancer comedy" offensive and disturbing. I'd wager that other cancer patients will feel the same way. As a person who has lost a parent, aunt, and uncle to cancer, it's troubling; never mind the fact that I'm a cancer patient myself! This strikes me as a little too casual, and disrespectful. Basis for the show: "A suburban wife and mother finds out that she has cancer" - hilarious! No, it's not humorous: it's devastating. Ask anyone who has been in this situation.

Of course, there are going to be comedic moments as part of the cancer experience: the very day that I was diagnosed, my OBG said on the phone, "I'm going to prescribe an anti-depressant for you right now." My response was, "Okay, thanks; I guess that I might become a little depressed about getting this news." I was being ironic, but she was prescribing the drug for my hot flashes and night sweats, not for depression! The point is, I could decide to joke about this at the time of my diagnosis; but cancer is no joke to those who have to deal with it each day.

If you want to see a TV series which truly depicts what goes through the mind of a person who is diagnosed with cancer, watch "Breaking Bad" on AMC. Bryan Cranston is nothing short of brilliant in his portrayal. His entire world, and most notably, his moral compass, are changed by his will to live long enough to provide financially for the family he will be leaving behind. He ably portrays the shock, numbness, grief, anger, and conflicting emotions which a cancer patient goes through. Ultimately, he leads a double life in his quest to ensure that his wife, physically challenged teenage son, and newborn daughter will not live in poverty when he dies.

Correctly, this show does not take a comedic approach to a man and his terminal disease. It shows the sheer desperation and urgency he feels in the face of impending death, and what he chooses to do with the time he has left.

I still have my sense of humor, and I joke about various aspects of my cancer experience: being a "radiation and imaging supermodel", my many medications, my wicking t-shirts and PJs, not needing to give up my "pre-cancer lifestyle" because I'm so boring, etc.

But, I still find treating cancer in a comedic light unsettling. Perhaps I'm being too sensitive?

A New Year!

2010-01-01T07:20:00.005-05:00

Today is the first day of 2010; the entire year is spread out before us right now, full of possibilities and opportunities. It is a time to celebrate, because we have been given another chance, another "blank slate", in which to improve our lives.

I don't believe in resolutions; they are too easily broken, but I do believe in positive thinking and working towards a goal. Whatever motivates you is the key to success. And, keeping your goals attainable and your expectations reasonable will provide much more fulfillment on a personal level. "Baby steps, baby steps!"

Here's what I would like to focus on in 2010:

letting my precious husband know every day how much he is loved
treasuring the life that I have been given, and never taking it for granted
maintaining healthy exercise and eating habits
slowly getting back to my pre-cancer weight for my continued health
seeing the beauty in the tiniest things all around us
not giving up my dream of retiring to Maui (and hoping to be back there very soon!)
keeping my heart open to others and the joy that this gives back to me
being thankful for my wonderful job, my friends, my home

Happy New Year, Everyone! May we all have health and happiness in 2010.

Why I'm Always Sad at Christmas

2009-12-26T10:21:00.012-05:00

The last time that I saw my Mother alive was at Christmas. She was living in her lovely little apartment in a beautiful converted church building, near the University at which she had worked before I was born. She was the Secretary to the Dean of Women in the 1950's, and she spoke with pride about her time there.

She met my Father when they worked at the same Company; she was his boss' secretary. They fell in love, and against her family's wishes, she married him. He came from "the wrong side of town", and from a much poorer family. The marriage was most likely doomed by their decision to live in the same house as my Mother's parents; this was a common custom at the time. They separated when I was 2, and he moved away when I was 6. My Mother led a very lonely life; unlike today, there were very few "broken homes" in the 60's, so she experienced a lot of social isolation. She focused her entire life on raising me.

When my Grandfather died, and we were forced to close our family's shoe store, she had to find work as a waitress just to get along. Later, she worked for several years in a department store owned by a family friend. Her last job, which she held for over a decade, was the secretary to the Director of a social services agency for senior citizens. Finally, she became unable to work due to her worsening emphysema and congestive heart disease.

Her Sister effectively forced her from the only home which she had ever known as part of settling my Grandmother's estate. This was completely ruthless and unnecessary, as my Aunt's husband had just been awarded a very large sum of money to settle a medical malpractice lawsuit. I urged my Mother to legally contest losing her home, which she had been paying all costs to maintain, but she was emotionally devastated by her own Mother's death, and by her Sister's actions. This affected her health as well, and hastened her decline.

I was able to get my Mother into the church apartment due to her past association with the University. A wonderful husband and wife team were the building's caretakers; they lived on the premises, and kept an eye on the tenants, who were all either elderly or disabled, like my Mother. Sue and Dick often had all of the residents over for dinners and parties. It gave me comfort that my Mother was living there with such caring people. Her apartment was on the ground floor, with a private outside entrance, a combined living/dining/kitchen area, and a separate bedroom. The building's striking architectural details were preserved throughout.

That last Christmas, we visited her in her new place. I had earlier helped her put up the tree; we decorated it together, with the ornaments lovingly collected over the years, and placed our Family's keepsake decorations around her apartment. Everything looked beautiful, and she was so happy; at least some things from her former home were still with her in this next phase of her life.

She was my only parent during my childhood, and had worked very hard during some truly challenging times to make sure that I had whatever I wanted. I fondly remember the Christmas when I got my folk guitar; and the year before, she gave me a sewing machine. These were very meaningful Christmas presents, and not inexpensive. I know that she constantly put aside her needs to fulfill my dreams.

I owed so much to her, and I knew it. So, now that she was ill, I would make sure that she was taken care of in return. My husband had just gotten a better-paying job, and we were really pleased, because it meant that we could do more for her. She had emphysema, had smoked since her teenage years, and even had to have part of a lung removed because it was so severely damaged. As a result, she was unable to walk more than a few steps, or leave her home to go anywhere other than for medical appointments. I did her grocery shopping, housework, banking, got her medicines, and helped however I could. She wanted to live alone, and she liked it that way.

I would see her in person almost every day. I spoke with her on the phone just before my husband and I went away for New Year's; she was going to spend New Year's with the other residents at the caretakers' apartment.

We returned a couple of days after New Year's, and I got a phone call from my Mother's cousin: my Mother wasn't answering her phone, and her cousin was worried. With mounting fear, I called Sue and Dick at my Mother's building with this news. Sue said that she had been at their New Year's party, and had a wonderful time. She sent Dick to my Mother's apartment to check on her.

Dick found my Mother dead in her apartment; she had been dead for at least several hours. He was in tears as he told me the news. It was almost unreal. I was in shock.

In a complete haze of fear and emotion, my husband and I went to her building. Police cars were already there, with lights flashing. Upon entering the apartment, two policemen were standing there; they took my information, and let us go into the bedroom to see my Mother.

She was slumped over, looking so tiny and frail, sitting on a wooden chair; it looked as though she must have died either putting on or taking off her slippers, because one slipper was on, and the other was off. This somehow reassured me that her end came very quickly, because she wasn't able to complete the task. At least she wasn't in a hospital, hooked up to machines, as had been the case so many other times in the past, when her doctors told me that she wouldn't survive. She was only 59 years old.

The funeral home attendants arrived, went into the bedroom, and closed the door. I waited, looking around at all of the Holiday decorations, and the presents that she would now never get to use. Her bedroom door opened. Next, I saw my Mother being wheeled past the Christmas tree, but now she was in a plastic body bag. I will never get that image out of my mind. She was gone, being taken away from me forever, in the midst of a scene which formerly had been so happy. I would never feel the same way about Christmas; even now, 22 years later.

Taking down the Christmas tree and putting away the decorations which she so loved were further reminders of her permanent absence. Years later, I have no interest in decorating my house for Christmas; perhaps I see it as a bad omen, and that I will lose someone I love if I do...the mind works in such mysterious ways. This is why I am always sad at Christmas time.

Another benefit from Fosamax?

2009-12-11T10:02:00.004-05:00

As part of my cancer treatment regimen, I was placed on a daily dose of Arimidex, an aromatase inhibitor which effectively brings your circulating blood estrogen to a non-existent level. A five-year course of the drug is now standard procedure for post-menopausal women with estrogen-positive breast cancers. The drug deprives cancer cells of the estrogen which the cancer needs in order to grow, hopefully preventing any recurrence.

Because a total lack of estrogen is extremely harmful to existing bones and bone growth, patients are usually prescribed an osteoporosis drug in tandem with the aromatase inhibitor: I was put on a weekly dose of Fosamax, and I have now taken both drugs for almost 2 years.

On Thursday, Dec. 10th, the results of a new observational study involving more than 150,000 post-menopausal women were announced at the San Antonio Breast Cancer Symposium: women taking Fosamax, or other biphosphonate osteoporosis drugs (Boniva, Actonel) had 32% fewer cases of invasive breast cancer than women who were not taking these drugs. This is a significant finding, both for the percentage of cancers avoided, and because the biphosphonates are now seen to benefit patients in an entirely different manner than for which they were originally intended.

A previous study had already established that breast cancer patients who were given biphosphonate osteoporosis medication (Zometa) intravenously every 6 months developed fewer new contralateral breast cancers in the unaffected breast.

So, treatment with osteoporosis biphosphonate drugs appears both to prevent cancer recurrence in breast cancer patients, and also to reduce initial occurrences of breast cancer in healthy postmenopausal women. The drugs are also seen to prevent breast cancers from spreading to the bones by creating unfavorable conditions for tumor growth in bone tissues.

The chief oncologist behind the latest study stated that the biphosphonates also interfere with growth of blood vessels to tumors, and they simultaneously stimulate immune cells whose role is to seek out and destroy tumor cells.

If this can all be proven, there will be other very good reasons for post-menopausal women to take osteoporosis drugs. Right now, I'm very glad to hear that I might also be reducing my chance of developing a new cancer via both the Arimidex and Fosamax. Hopeful news!

Mixed Messages About Breast Cancer Screening

2009-11-22T07:07:00.013-05:00

Almost 2 weeks ago, the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) announced a change in their recommended routine breast cancer screening guidelines: "The USPSTF recommends against routine screening mammography in women aged 40 to 49 years." This set off a swarm of controversy and confusion.

The USPSTF's reasoning behind having women delay mammographic screening for an entire decade (!) cited that mammography has the most benefit for women aged 50 to 74, meaning that it is more effective in finding actual breast cancers among women in this age group. Mammography was cited as having "maximum effectiveness" for women aged 60 - 69 years.

For women aged 40 - 49, the recommendation mentions specifically that false-positive results occur more often within this age group. This might well be true, but as roughly 25% of breast cancers are found when women are in their 40s, I cannot begin to understand how delaying screening for 10 years could ever be advised. Also, many of the most aggressive cancers occur when women are in their 40s.

According to the American Cancer Society, for the year 2006, women in their 40s accounted for 17% of the deaths from breast cancer. This is not an insignificant number. If the USPSTF thinks that the ratio of 1900 women screened to 1 life saved is not enough to justify recommending screening for women in their 40s, they are overlooking the fact that most of the patients surveyed for any disease will not have it; that's why they call it "screening". If 17% of breast cancer deaths, and over 25% of breast cancer cases occur in women 40 - 49, their recommendation to do nothing until age 50 is completely outrageous.

And, if you're a gal who is 75 or older, you have apparently lived long enough, according to the USPSTF. There is "insufficient evidence" to recommend mammography screening for this age group. I have read some very heated comments on the web from women in this category: they are planning to live a very long time, and who is to decide that their lives are not worth as much as women in their 60s and 50s...? The answer is, "no one".

The USPSTF also mentions the "psychological harms" of undergoing screening and biopsies; I can tell you from personal experience that the anxiety which you feel while waiting for your biopsy results is nothing, compared to hearing those utterly devastating words, "We found cancer". Most women would rather undergo a temporary period of anxiety about their mammogram or biopsy results, because for most of them, it is followed by the relief that they feel when they find out they are cancer-free.

The entire biopsy process is much easier now than it was when I had my first cancer scare 16 years ago: I had to undergo general anesthesia, have an excisional biopsy/tumor removal in an operating room, then awake from the anesthesia to find out whether or not I had cancer. When my cancer was found in 2007, I underwent a stereotactic biopsy in a surgical suite, where I was awake the entire time, and only needed a tiny incision. A month later, post-MRI, I had to have another stereotactic biopsy of a suspicious growth in my other breast; thankfully, this turned out to be benign, although I had mentally prepared myself for the possibility of having cancer in both breasts.

I am very concerned that women who don't routinely get mammograms will use this as an excuse to delay or forego being screened. We all know friends or co-workers who put off getting their mammograms for one reason or another, and they will use the USPSTF's recommendation to justify their decision. This will ultimately cause more harm, and have women presenting with more advanced cancers, diminishing their chances of survival. This is costly to the patient's quality of life, and to the entire healthcare system, as these cases are more difficult and expensive to treat.

Many medical professionals are now angered by the climate of confusion and conflicting messages which the USPSTF has created: for decades, women have been encouraged to have regular mammograms, which do save lives. My cancer was found by my yearly, non-digital mammogram, and I remain extremely grateful for this. I am convinced that my mammogram saved my life.

The American Cancer Society and the National Cancer Institute still recommend yearly mammograms for women aged 40 to 49. This is the important thing to remember, and please, get screened. Life is precious.

My Biggest Health Challenge

2009-11-14T07:18:00.007-05:00

My biggest health challenge right now is losing the extra pounds I gained during and in the months following my radiation treatments. As I have written here, I have never weighed as much as I do now; besides the aesthetic and wardrobe limitation issues this brings with it, I need to lose weight for my continued health. I was always a tiny little person; now, I'm still tiny vertically... To minimize the risk of my cancer returning, and to prevent heart disease and diabetes, I have to lose weight.

I literally wanted to sleep all of the time during radiation; I even started drinking coffee at work (something I had never done before) just to stay awake. For someone who was always described as "perky" and "bubbly", I barely managed to drag myself through the day, by sheer force of will. The fatigue that I experienced was profound, and it made the slightest effort seem truly overwhelming. Exercising was impossible; everything seemed like exercise!

Sometimes, I would find myself eating just to keep awake, and I could no longer eat the same foods that I formerly enjoyed. At the end of the day, there was no "second wind" to draw upon for my usual working out with weights, or walking on the treadmill. Napping became a major activity; when I finally managed to go out on the weekends for a 4-mile walk, I would have to take a 2-hour nap afterwards just to be able to stay up until my usual bedtime.

Now, I find that I'm running around at work or at home, and I consciously realize that I'm getting my energy back. Last weekend, I walked 4 miles both days, and I'd like to keep it that way! I'm working out with weights regularly, although at times I feel like the photo above; I'm walking on the nature trail near my home, and on the treadmill. It's much easier walking outside than on the treadmill, though, because I feel like I'm enjoying nature, and not "exercising".

My eating habits are better now: whole grains, fruits and vegetables, lots of water, small meals. I try to maintain some of my "old" rules, such as not eating anything after a certain time of day (usually 8PM or so). I don't believe that some foods should be "forbidden"; you will just crave them even more. That's why snack-size candy bars and ice cream cones were invented! My daily medications present challenges to some patients in their efforts to lose weight; I managed not to gain any weight when I fractured my ankle and couldn't even walk for 2 weeks. That, to me, was an achievement! Right now, I'm losing 1 pound a week, and I'm happy with that.

I saw my oncologist Thursday, and said that by the next time I see her, I hope that there's less of me to see. That would be another "milestone" to reach on my way back from July 2007. Wish me luck!

Over-Screening for Breast Cancer?

2009-10-31T08:41:00.013-04:00

Earlier this month, both the American Cancer Society (ACS) and the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) published communications alerting the medical community about over-screening for breast cancer. The estimate now is that 30% of the breast cancers which are found are so slow-growing that they are not life-threatening; and, some of these will disappear completely without any medical intervention at all.

Breast cancer screening has greatly improved the ability to find very small tumors; mine was only 2mm in size, and showed up on my yearly screening mammogram as a concentration of white dots, called microcalcifications, indicating an area of rapid cell turnover. The tumor wasn't found at my OBGYN exam a few weeks before; it would have taken months before it had grown large enough to be felt.

My tumor had already reached the invasive stage; it had broken through the breast duct, and was invading the surrounding tissue. At this point, the cancer cells have had a chance to reach other areas of the body, possibly creating secondary tumors. If the patient is fortunate, there has been no metastases, or tumor formation at other sites, and the cancer cells which did migrate elsewhere have been killed by the patient's immune system.

People have asked me how I feel about undergoing biopsies, 2 lumpectomies, 6 weeks of radiation, several screening scans and MRIs, and taking anti-cancer meds for a 5-year course when there is a 30% chance that my cancer wasn't deadly to begin with.

My response is that there is a 70% chance that my invasive cancer would have killed me, so I am very happy that it was found so early. If I had not gotten my yearly mammograms as recommended, my cancer might have spread to my lymph nodes, greatly decreasing the odds of my survival. Another advantage is that my node-negative status meant that I avoided needing chemotherapy, and I am very grateful for that.

I don't feel that I should have delayed treatment, hoping that my cancer would resolve itself. Once you find out that you have cancer, you just want it out of your body. It would be difficult, if not impossible, to just "do nothing" when you're diagnosed, unless there is an additional means of confirming that the cancer you have is indeed the non-fatal type.

My cancer was Stage 1, but even cancers this small, and some at Stage 0 (non-invasive) have proven deadly. There is so much that we still don't know about what causes some cancers to grow, and others to become dormant, or even totally disappear.

So, until researchers can determine which breast cancers are non-fatal, women shouldn't forego being screened. The ACS is standing by its recommendation of yearly mammograms for women over 40. That is vital for us to remember amid all of the current controversy.

Your "new normal"

2009-10-09T20:02:00.016-04:00

As a cancer patient, your goal is to reach the end of your active course of treatment, and to get your life back to where it was before you were diagnosed. But, like so many other things, this is not as easy as it sounds, physically, mentally, or emotionally. And, the truth is: your life will never be the same. You have gone through a life-altering experience. There's a term for what you're attempting to establish: your "new normal"; meaning living as normally as possible, knowing that you cannot restore your pre-cancer life.

Your transition from a "cancer patient" to a "person with cancer" isn't easy. You eagerly hoped for the end of your active treatment period, when it seems as if all of your waking moments are spent going to medical appointments, imaging studies, chemo and/or radiation, lab testing, etc. You know that it's necessary, but you can't wait for it to be over, and you feel more like a patient than a person.

When you're placed on "follow-up", you're going to really miss the personal contact with, and support from, the majority of the wonderful people who got you through a hellish period of your life. You will feel very alone as you face the future. You need to prepare for how you will handle this transition, and what resources you'll need to establish your "new normal".

You may find that emotions which you suppressed during treatment are now coming to the surface, such as anger and sadness. This is similar to post-traumatic stress, or delayed grief. It's vital that you face your feelings and work through them; otherwise, they will prevent you from moving on with your life. Talking to family, close friends, or even joining a support group will help you realize that you are not as alone as you might feel at this time.

Chances are, you'll deal each day with physical reminders of what you've been through as well: I see my scars, and as they are healing, I'm also healing inside. I don't think about my cancer returning, but if it does, I know that I'm strong enough to face it. I won't allow cancer to "co-opt" my present, or my future. I wake up each day seeing the person in the mirror as someone who has "had" cancer, even though I still visit my doctors, take daily meds, and will be doing so for a few more years.

Many people, as part of their "new normal", choose to do something which gives meaning and purpose to their cancer experience. For me, it was deciding to begin this website, writing about my journey. Previously, I wouldn't have had the courage to do something like this, but this is one of the "gifts" of my cancer. I wanted to take something negative and turn it into a positive; I also hoped that sharing my feelings might be of some help to other cancer patients.

People also decide at this time to follow their dreams, do things they never had the chance to do before, or take their future life in an entirely different direction, such as: going on that trip they've only imagined, climbing a mountain, or starting their own business. The rest of your life from this point forward should be defined by you, not by your disease.

For me, the dream is to retire and to move to Maui. After all that I've been through, I'm even more determined to make this my reality. I want to die there, and have my ashes scattered at Keawakapu. When Lindbergh was receiving medical treatment in New York, and it was confirmed that he only had a few days to live, he asked to be flown back to Maui so that he could die at his beloved Kipahulu. I feel the same way.

Focus on your future, and do something meaningful with the life which has been "given back" to you.

Life is precious. Don't waste it!

Do You See Miracles?

2009-09-25T19:45:00.023-04:00

"There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle." Albert Einstein

I read this quote on another website about a cancer patient, and it really hit home. I have always been someone who lives as if everything is miraculous, and this has been greatly magnified by having cancer.

Is life really worth living if you never take delight in what you see around you, who you have around you, and what gifts you have been given? To me, that's not living; it's just existing, and there is a huge difference.

I know that the fact that I'm alive is a miracle: when I was born 2 1/2 months premature, weighing 2 lbs. 7 oz., all that could be done was to baptize me and put me in an incubator. The amazing technology we now have to assist very tiny babies didn't even exist.

For a while, the doctors thought that I was born blind, that I would probably have severe problems ever walking or moving normally, and there was a good chance that my brain would be damaged by the inexact oxygen levels of my contained environment. My chance of survival was slim. All that I had going for me was my will to live, and the tender care of the nursing Sisters of Providence, who were completely devoted to me. I was released from the hospital 3 months later, weighing a whopping 5 pounds, still resembling a doll more than an actual baby. The doctor who delivered me used to call me "the little atom", because I was so small at birth.

I beat the odds, and survived, with no adverse affects. So, perhaps why someone like me sees life as miraculous - for me, it really is.

It's easy to get jaded and cynical about life, but it doesn't have to be that way; and, you don't have to experience life-threatening illness to make you appreciate being alive. There are miracles for you to find each and every day. It all depends on your outlook, as Einstein wisely observed.

So, I ask, "Do You See Miracles?" I hope so...

Back on my feet again - with caution!

2009-09-21T13:22:00.016-04:00

I went to the orthopedist today, and I have been medically cleared to put weight on my foot and walk around again. I have to wear the Aircast brace for a couple of weeks or so, but this means that I can now leave the house, drive my car, and...go back to work!

My ankle is healing exceptionally well, even though my ankle and foot still look disgusting; an overall yellow, with a purple undertone, and bruises which will take some time to go away, I'm sure. I will be doing exercises at home to increase the mobility and strength of my ankle, and I'm getting used to walking around with the Aircast.

I'm sure that a lot of my progress is directly due to the terrific care and advice I received from my husband while I was unable to walk. As a former runner who has even done a marathon, he is a veteran of many ankle injuries, and his experience was invaluable to me during this time. We're planning to go out walking again this coming weekend; this is permitted, as long as I'm wearing the Aircast brace. It might not be a 4-mile walk, but I will be out there on the trail again! (Watching out for lurking holes in the grass...)

Just being out of commission for a couple of weeks made me feel truly sorry for anyone who is permanently confined to bed, or housebound. My Irish Nana who raised me used to say, "Every day that you wake up and you put two feet on the floor is a good day", so now I have a greater realization of just what she meant by that.

So, even though I didn't break anything in 1995 when I was run over by a van in Manhattan, but managed to break something just walking near my home, I feel very happy about the way this entire experience worked out. I will be wearing my Aircast, working out with weights soon, and getting back to my usual activities.

I would have been totally lost without my iPod Touch, its fantastic apps, and its wireless Internet, as I couldn't get to the Mac during my non-weightbearing stint. It was a lifesaver!

A Minor Setback

2009-09-14T11:07:00.013-04:00

One week ago, I was out for my usual 4-mile walk with my husband, on the nature trail near my home. We were only a few blocks from home, and had just exited the trail, walking at the side of the road on some grass, when I suddenly stepped into a hole several inches deep, slammed into the ground on my forearms and hands, and injured my ankle. The hole was completely covered over by the grass surrounding it, so I didn't see it as I looked ahead.

As I struggled to stand up, I was acutely aware that I had done something terrible to my right ankle. Placing weight on my foot was difficult, coupled with a sharp, scream-inducing pain, which traveled up the outside of my ankle and calf if I moved my leg in the wrong direction. I insisted on "toughing it out" and carefully walking home, with my husband helping me. It was obvious that I needed to be taken to the hospital, as my ankle was swelling up considerably.

At the ER, I was placed in a wheelchair, and wheeled in to be evaluated. I noticed that the NP was wearing a breast cancer pink ribbon pin. When I commented on this, she said that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer at age 36, and had undergone a double mastectomy, and chemo, which "kicked her ass". I told her that I was also a breast cancer patient, and that I was glad that her ass had been kicked, because that meant that she was still here! As I have written before, you really do bond with other cancer patients, which is one "gift" of having had this experience.

I was placed on a gurney, and after a while, was wheeled into the radiology area for several foot/ankle x-rays. At this moment, it occurred to me that this was the first time since being diagnosed that I was NOT here at my "usual" hospital for anything related to my cancer treatment; and it was a positive realization. Today, I was just "the woman with an ankle injury"; how different for someone who had spent many days there seeing doctors, undergoing surgeries, scans and tests, having my radiation treatments, etc.

I was sent home wearing an Aircast, but told to see an orthopedist ASAP, preferably the following day. I managed to get an appointment with a MD at my husband's ortho MD group, and they confirmed that I had a hairline fracture (described as a "good" fracture) where the sprained ligament attaches to the ankle bone. I left the orthopedist's office wearing a knee-length, black "boot" that looks as if it was designed for Darth Vader.

Mine is black, not navy blue (the above photo was the best one I could find on the web), and the ortho nurse told me "Black goes with everything" - hmmm - what would anyone wear with the likes of this futuristic, velcro-laden footwear? The boot makes the ankle feel a lot more protected and better isolates the joint; although, it also evokes images of Frankenstein lumbering around as well...!

I have been home now for a week (one more week to go!), forbidden to walk anywhere except for short trips to the bathroom or other areas on the same level. The pain has gone from a "9" to about a "2", but if I move in the "wrong" direction, or something presses on the outside of my ankle - yeoucchh! My foot is bruised on both sides of my ankle; I have purple bruises at the bottom of my toes (!), and the top surface of my foot is now turning a lovely yellow color, which complements the purple.

I'm seeing the orthopedist one week from today, and hopefully, then I can go back to the Aircast, which means that I can drive a car, and thus, return to work.

My wonderful husband has been taking very good care of me: driving me to the ER and to the orthopedist, preparing and bringing me my meals, getting my pillows, refilling my drinking bottle, helping me get around, and making me laugh, which really is very good medicine. He has been amazing, just as he was when I was recovering from my surgeries.

I'm determined not to gain more weight just because I can't exercise right now, and, as soon as it's medically possible, I'll be back "out there" on the trail, walking my post-cancer pounds away. This is just a setback, and I have already laughed about it! Why, it's as easy as "stepping in a hole"! So now, I know exactly how that expression came to be.

Healthy Habits Preventing Breast Cancer?

2009-09-06T07:31:00.004-04:00

Last Tuesday, a study was published stating that almost 40% of breast cancer cases could be prevented by good health habits. When I was diagnosed, I weighed roughly the same as I had 30 years ago, had been lifting weights since 1980, and had been avoiding alcohol, as I knew that drinking alcohol increased my risk. I also ate healthy foods, limited my red meat intake, drank water instead of soda, and ate a low-fat diet: for example, my daily lunch consisted of carrots, yogurt, and fruit.

Studies like this can mislead women into a false sense of wellbeing- as most breast cancer cases clearly can't be prevented by the behaviors they describe. I hoped that avoiding alcohol would lower my risk, but I never believed that doing this would prevent me from getting breast cancer: all you can do is practice a healthy lifestyle, and hope for the best.

The majority, or 60% of breast cancer cases, are not influenced by someone's health habits, but it is still a good idea to practice healthy behaviors. I was thin when I was diagnosed, and gained weight during treatment; so, I'm happy that I didn't weigh 20 or 30 pounds more at the time of my diagnosis, or, I would be faced with losing even more now as I attempt to reach my precancer body weight.

Preventing breast cancer, unfortunately, isn't as simple as the study makes it seem. I would hate for other women to think that a healthy lifestyle will spare you: mine certainly did not spare me. Be healthy, yes; but most importantly, get screened on a regular basis; this is the health practice which could, and will, actually save your life.

What Cancer Cannot Take From You

2009-08-17T18:20:00.009-04:00

When you learn that you have cancer, you'll view your life up to that point as "B.C.": "before cancer", and "A.D.": "after diagnosis". Cancer will be your focus for at least the next few months, mentally and physically. It will take over your life during your active treatment, and you will most likely lose part of your body to it. Cancer has co-opted your present, and your future. Your sense of invulnerability has been stolen from you. You have the right to be angry, but you have to work through this, and ultimately realize what cancer cannot take from you.

Long after your active treatment, cancer will steal things from you on a smaller scale: I take my anti-cancer medicine each day as part of a planned five-year course, knowing that it will greatly increase my chances of long-term survival. The associated side effects of the medicine are a daily reminder that I'm still fighting not just the cancer, but weight gain, greatly increased vasomotor episodes, gastrointestinal issues, and lingering fatigue. I have felt at times as if I'm seeing another "me" in the mirror, and it's difficult to remember the tiny, energetic person whom I no longer see there. Sometimes two years in the past ("B.C.") seems like a lifetime ago.

When I wrote earlier about the cruelty of Alzheimer's Disease, robbing the patient of his/her identity, gradually taking them from their loved ones right before their eyes, with the only relief being certain death, I said that Alzheimer's is a far crueler fate than cancer; and I still believe it.

I know this beyond any doubt: I am still "me", and cancer is not going to change my personality, or make me focus on what I have lost, instead of what I have gained from this experience. My sense of humor is still intact. I still find joy in each day; I feel very fortunate to be alive, and well. I still have my smile, and I will never lose it! How would I ever have known how strong I could be, and how much I could endure? So, yes, it has taken something from me, but I have found a way to appreciate what it has given to me, also.

We are all tested in one way or another; you will be amazed at what you can overcome, and how powerful your will to live really is. Cancer can take your essence away from you, but only if you allow it. I'm not going to let that happen.

Get Your Mammogram!! Take control of your life!!

2009-07-23T17:20:00.007-04:00

I just got my regular screening mammogram yesterday, and although it's not entirely without pain for me (especially after my surgeries!), I can't ever imagine postponing it, or thinking that I'll forgo it "this time". And neither should you...

My mammogram in 2007 SAVED MY LIFE, and caught my invasive breast cancer long before it could even have been felt by a physical exam. My cancer hadn't spread to my lymph nodes, but if I had waited another 6 months or a year to be screened, this might not have been the case, and my chances for survival would not be as favorable. Because my cancer was found early, I didn't need chemotherapy, just radiation; another positive aspect of regular screening.

And, my cancer was found on a non-digital mammogram, for those of you who have doubts about the effectiveness of mammography...it didn't show up on an ultrasound or on a MRI at all!

I have worked in healthcare since 1980, and I have seen the tragic results of women's fear of cancer preventing them from being screened. It's not necessarily a question of being without medical coverage, as many people suppose is the case. Sadly, even when mammograms are offered at no cost, many women choose the "avoidance" approach, because they're so afraid to find out their breast health status. Even more tragic, when the same women later present with symptoms, it's much more serious, and may be too late: their cancer has now advanced to their lymphatic system, and possibly to other organs, such as their lungs, bones, and brain.

Please, do this for you, for your loved ones, your friends - take action, and get a mammogram! Don't wait until you find a lump or see something that doesn't look right. Face your fears, and get screened. I know it's scary; I'm a cancer patient, and I still think of the possibility of a new cancer being found. But, I'd rather find it earlier than later - wouldn't you?

Two Years Later

2009-07-10T21:51:00.005-04:00

Today, it has been two years since I was diagnosed with cancer.

Some days, July 10, 2007 seems long ago; but, even now, I can acutely remember exactly how I felt at the moment I found out that my life would be changed forever.

What are my thoughts on this 2-year anniversary of being a person with cancer?

First, I'm truly thankful for being alive, and for the caring and expertise of my physicians, techs, nurses, and medical assistants. I literally wouldn't be here on this earth without you, and I am forever grateful.

I now know that I'm an extremely strong person, mentally, emotionally, and physically; far more than I ever would have realized prior to my illness. I wouldn't wish what I have gone through on anyone; but I am heartened by the fact that I was able to face it, and persevere. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger; or to put it another way, you will discover your real level of inner strength when you can endure things that you never imagined you could.

Things which formerly would have seemed like a problem now are very insignificant; and things which would have terrified me no longer seem frightening. Cancer has a way of resetting your perspective on the world. As I have written elsewhere, you realize that life is truly about "the little things".

The unfairness of Fate is not easy to accept sometimes. Before this experience, I had never been seriously ill. While I know I'm lucky to have been healthy for so long, it was a major blow to my psyche to have this happen. You feel betrayed by your body somehow. I exercised religiously, never smoked, had good health habits, and boom! - this happened.

My greatest joy in life is the unfailing love and support of my best friend, who is also my husband. He cared for me when I was ill, and he is my hero and protector. When I look my worst, he still tells me that I'm beautiful. There is no greater love that I could ever hope to have. All that I want is to grow old with him, and I believe that I will get my wish.

There are now many other people in my life who have opened their hearts to me. Everywhere I go, I am constantly reminded of the love that I have been given, which is an amazing thing; this is one of the "pluses" of my situation.

I don't fear death, and I can't imagine wanting to live forever; that seems like a terrible fate to me. The important thing is to see beauty in each day, and to live in the present.

I don't worry about my cancer returning; I'm concentrating on what's happening right now, and on my healthy future. Two years later, I am in a very good place.

I have vowed to take something negative and turn it into something positive.

I know that even if I become ill again, cancer may take my life, but it will never claim my smile; because then it will have truly won, and I won't ever allow that to happen.

An Army of Women

2009-07-09T18:13:00.005-04:00

Today, I joined an army: the Love/Avon Army of Women.

The goal is to recruit one million women of every age, ethnicity, and breast cancer risk/status to be available for participation in research studies. The focus of the studies is to learn how breast cancer begins, and then seeing what can be done to prevent it. We have been very successful in finding breast cancer at its earliest stages (my tumor was 2mm, and appeared only as a cluster of microcalcifications (white spots) on a mammogram). Now, we need to go one step further!

So, why not have actual women (instead of lab mice) volunteer to partner with researchers examining the cause(s) of breast cancer? It is a real opportunity for myself and others to take action and change lives. Women who join the Army are e-mailed about studies that need volunteers, and women who match the study criteria respond to the initial e-mail if they're interested in participating. Responding doesn't ensure participation, as all possible candidates must be screened. No one can be forced into joining a study; it's purely voluntary.

Dr. Susan Love is an eminent breast surgeon and author. I read "Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book" before I was officially diagnosed, and I learned everything I needed to know about what I might possibly face as a breast cancer patient. I have immense respect for her dedication to the cause, and this blog has a link to her Research Foundation's informative and helpful website. So, when I found out that she was the force behind this movement, I wanted to be a part of it.

Currently, almost 300,000 women have signed up at the Army of Women website. Just click on the widget at the right of the page to check it out and read about your chance to participate in the effort to prevent breast cancer from ever happening. I know that I would like to do whatever I can to ensure that its days are numbered. This is a real chance for "average" women to really make a difference in others' lives.

Another Day Ends in Maui...

2009-06-30T18:55:00.008-04:00

As today ends, I'll think about the ethereal beauty of a Maui sunset...Maui No Ka 'Oi! (Maui Is The Best!).

Images of Maui

2009-06-30T18:28:00.013-04:00

Here are some photos from my last trip to Maui. I hope to return soon, because I have "left my heart" there...since 1985, I have been in love with Maui. I'm not a religious person, but it has a spirituality which you can almost feel. The light, the colors, the air, the water, all combine hypnotically to make you want to stay forever. I cried the first time that I left; walking up the huge set of metal steps next to the jet on the tarmac, looking around at the beautiful mountains, and wondering if it was all just a dream.

I was able to return there three years later to confirm that this much beauty could indeed exist in one magical place. It is called "The Magic Isle", and there's truth in the name! On my third, and most recent trip, it was more developed in places, but it still has its magic intact...I will go back, and hopefully, one day, I won't have to leave.

A Trip to the Ocean

2009-06-27T07:07:00.008-04:00

Last week, I took my first actual vacation in the past 3 years. For me, this is another sign that my life has returned to normality. Being able to "get away" from your home, your job, and to realize that there was a time when this literally wouldn't have been physically possible for me makes me feel very fortunate.

Going to a place which I have held in my heart for many years, and being able to return there with my beloved husband was like a gift. His devotion, care, and patience during my illness meant so much, and to have this special time with him was truly wonderful. Even though the weather was cloudy except for one day, this didn't really matter. We celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary during the trip, and I'm very proud that we have achieved this. Those two "20-somethings" in love are now two "50-somethings" in love, and I can honestly say that our challenges over the years have only brought us closer together. He is my reason for living; his unfailing support and encouragement in everything I do has been invaluable, and I think that he could say the same about me. We're partners for life, through whatever happens to us, or around us.

My vacations almost always involve the ocean; there is something so primal and restorative about seeing the waves, hearing them break and come onshore, the scent of the salt air, the feel of the soft sand. The ocean's sense of permanence is reassuring to us, and perhaps we do feel a connection because our bodies are composed of so much water. Or, just because it's impressive, powerful, and beautiful!

Growing up where the ocean was just a drive away, and now, living on a river which is an ocean estuary, I know that I would never be happy living somewhere far from the ocean. And of course, I dream about living in Maui, where your daily activities always involve communing with the magical waters surrounding the island. Maybe someday...

National Cancer Survivors' Day

2009-06-09T16:41:00.009-04:00

Sunday was National Cancer Survivors' Day, which is held on the first Sunday in June. The first thought I have about this is how wonderful it is that there are so many people now considered "cancer survivors" (over 10 million). The second thought is that I still don't consider myself a "survivor" just yet, 23 months post-diagnosis. I think that passing the 5-year mark would meet my personal definition of the term. I won't be celebrating just yet, but I certainly hope to someday...

Can you recall when hearing that someone had "cancer", that you immediately thought they were going to die? I do; and I also remember as a child hearing people whisper the word in hushed tones, or calling it 'the big C". They were afraid to say it out loud, as if it was something shameful or secret.

The very word held immeasurable power over us. It no longer does, due to the advances in research and treatment for almost all types of cancer. Also, brave people in the public eye were not afraid to let the world know that they had cancer, so others could follow their example and seek treatment. Lifting the veil on cancer demystifies it, and diminishes its power to terrify us and paralyze us into inaction.

I will never forget my first experience with cancer. A childhood friend, several years older than me, died of leukemia when he was eleven years old. He had always watched out for me when I was around, helped me ride my bike, find my lost toys, and I'll never forget how he rescued me when I fell face-first into a rosebush. I really looked up to him; he was like my "big brother". It was so hard to understand why he got sick, and when he died, I couldn't imagine how this could happen. It was so unfair. Now, the 5-year survival rate for his type of leukemia is 80%. I sadly wish that Paul had been a survivor, but I'm happy that the disease no longer claims as many children as it did decades ago.

I think that the entire survivorship movement is valuable; some kind of framework is needed to support people with cancer facing other physical, emotional, financial, workplace, and societal issues. It's not just enough to get the person through treatment; each individual, including myself, will have additional challenges that they will have to face on an ongoing basis.

Some people are consumed with the fear that their cancer will return, which effectively prevents them from enjoying whatever days they indeed do have remaining; others experience side effects from the daily medications needed to prevent their cancer from recurring; patients who have finished their treatment experience now feel confused and alone as they face their future; families are financially and emotionally strained by the treatment and caregiving experience. Most cancer patients now will have to plan for their "post-cancer" life, which is a positive development in our continuing campaign against the disease.

May we not all just survive, but learn to thrive...

The Little Things

2009-05-24T07:01:00.008-04:00

Many persons with cancer have written that their diagnosis caused them to focus on life as it happens; to "live in the now", to find great joy and wonderment in things that they normally wouldn't have even noticed before. I can attest that this is true.

I have always believed that life is all about "the little things", which in our busy, fast-paced, stressful schedules, frequently go unnoticed. If you become aware of life on this level, you will find that every day brings many sights, sounds, and experiences which make you aware of how wonderful it is to be you, and to be alive. You don't have to be a person with cancer or a life-threatening condition to see being alive in this way. Living in the present, and being open to these "little things" puts your life in perspective. If you're always in a hurry, overwhelmed by your schedule, your job, and whatever other responsibilities you have, try to view life at a much smaller level of detail for a change. This will truly change your life, if you let it happen.

For example: I love to go outside very early in the morning, when all that I can hear are the birds in my yard greeting the new day. To me, this is an almost magical time; everything is awakening, the light is beautiful, and the mood is truly peaceful. Several times throughout the day, I'm privileged to hear the mockingbird as he serenades the neighborhood, and my favorite is when he sings as the day is ending. His song is one of the most beautiful things that I have ever heard, and I'm always saddened when he leaves for the winter.

I also love to see my plants coming up again, such as the hostas that my Father and I planted years ago around the base of the dogwood tree. After the harshness of Winter, I admire their ability to endure, persevere, and present us with such great beauty. It is truly cheering and comforting when my plants emerge again. Their return signifies that life does go on, even if my Father has been gone for almost eight years now...

Nothing makes me as happy as being near my husband. Just to quietly be in the same room with him brings me so much happiness. I love to hear him laugh, see his beautiful smile, wake him up each morning, greet him when he comes home. He makes me laugh every day, is my "rock" when everything else seems overwhelming, and he is the reason that I wanted to go on living. I truly hate to be away from him, because we enjoy being with each other so much. We have been fortunate enough to have some "milestone" experiences that people dream of, but I would trade them all for having him look into my eyes with the love that I see there each day.

There are so many overlooked opportunities for wonderful moments with other people on a daily basis: I get hugs everywhere I go, and believe me, they are great "medicine"! Take the time to say a kind word, give someone your smile, help others, and you will be contributing to their experience of "living in the now" as well. Life really is all about "the little things". Don't lose sight of this on your journey.

Another Disease That Changed My Life

2009-05-03T12:16:00.007-04:00

I saw this morning that HBO is going to be broadcasting a series of documentaries called "The Alzheimer's Project": http://www.hbo.com/alzheimers/

My childhood was profoundly affected by this terrible disease, and more recently, my wonderful Mother-in-law succumbed to Alzheimer's after suffering from it for several years.

Anyone who has watched a loved one be stolen from them by this insidious, progressive, cruel disease knows how vitally important it is to prevent as many people as possible from ever being touched by it.

I'm planning to watch "The Alzheimer's Project", and I recommend that everyone do the same. As we "baby boomers" age, something must be done to ensure that as many of us as possible, and those of future generations, escape this fate.

I wrote a tribute today on The Alzheimer's Project site in memory of my beloved Grandfather, who died from Alzheimer's when I was ten years old. I have added it as part of this website.

"Poppa" was my Father until I was 10, and gave me so much love and adoration. To this day I realize how lucky I am to have had the love of such a wonderful, kind, and caring man like him. It made all the difference to a little girl who would have been damaged without a male role model's love and encouragement. Alzheimer's began taking him from me, little by little, when I was 5 years old. When he died, I was absolutely devastated.

Today, I may have cancer, but I am still fully and wholly myself. Alzheimer's steals your mind and your personality from yourself and from those who love you, which I believe is even more fundamentally tragic. We must eradicate it from our future, in the same way that we have been working to eliminate cancer.

Rebirth

2009-04-11T07:41:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is Easter, so our thoughts turn to the subject of rebirth. Some religions believe in reincarnation; that concept exists in many cultures throughout the centuries. In addition to the religious concept of rebirth, I have found that cancer does lead to your own personal "rebirth".

From the moment you are diagnosed, you assume a new identity: you are now a person with cancer. You have become part of a greater community which you never wanted to join; from this point on, your life is irrevocably changed. You will confront your own fragility and mortality; it will be thrust upon you, in a whirlwind of thoughts and fears.

If you can manage to see something negative as also having a positive aspect, you can see your treatment path as a kind of journey toward this "rebirth". The road to the end of treatment is challenging, scary, and exhausting: it will change you both physically and mentally. You will never see things the same way again.

When you reach the point when you're on your "maintenance" treatment path, you are experiencing a kind of rebirth. Your life, with the help and caring of so many wonderful and dedicated individuals, has literally been given back to you. It is up to you to find joy in yourself, cherish being alive, and concentrate on living the rest of your life as the person who you really are, not just a "cancer patient". You are now so much more than your disease, and you have a new life.

An Unlikely Source of Inspiration

2009-03-24T17:20:00.014-04:00

When I was six, my Father moved out of State, and I didn't see him for the next 35 years. When he and my Mother separated, we lived with my maternal grandparents, who were rather well-off financially, owning their own business. So, when he left, there was no need to legally pursue him for child support. I'm sure that they all thought that there was nothing that my Father could ever really provide for me, and that I didn't need him in my life; but Fate had other plans.

Fast-forward to me at age 41; I had heard that my Father's second wife had died of cancer after a long illness. Shortly after this happened, he began writing to me, and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him! He wrote that there had never been a single day in his life when he didn't think of me, and asked for my forgiveness.

I was adamant that he didn't deserve a chance to get to know the daughter he had so willfully neglected, but my husband made me realize that I should at least hear his side of the story. He said that if I turned my own Father away without giving him a chance, that I would most likely regret it later on: if my Father passed away without me knowing the answers to so many of my questions, how would I feel then?

Reluctantly, and fearful of being hurt even further, I began corresponding with him on a regular basis. This grew into weekly, lengthy telephone calls where we both learned a lot about each other. My Father never maligned my Mother; he just said, as she always had, that they loved each other, but the relationship didn't work out. I also found out the reason why he couldn't have stayed in the marriage, and realized that he was entirely justified in leaving. It was a very sad situation. I finally understood that their breakup wasn't my fault; children often blame themselves when a parent leaves the family.

Finally, the day came when my Father knocked on my door after 35 years, and it was as if a part of myself had been restored. Knowing him helped me to truly understand many aspects of my personality: my love of poetry and literature, singing and performing, history and architecture, and many other qualities that I could trace back to him. It was comparable to finding a "me" that I had never really known. I had been given a great gift, and I was very thankful for this second chance to love and be loved by my own Father. I had my "closure", and my life was so much richer for it.

Sadly, three years after our reunion, and 1 year after his marriage to a wonderful woman, he was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer. From the beginning, he was stoic and pragmatic. He patently refused chemotherapy, and I remember being so angry at him about his decision. I had just found him again, and now, I was going to have to lose him, just like I had experienced at age 6. This time, it would be forever - how could he possibly justify making this choice?

My Father's reasoning was that he had known a very close friend with the same type of cancer. This friend was treated with chemotherapy and lived in excruciating pain, with no quality of life, until he died an agonizing death a few months later. So, although my Father was given a few months to live, he decided that as there was no hope of saving his life, that he would live "as fully as possible, for as long as humanly possible". He turned out to be absolutely right.

He remained his entertaining, larger-than-life self throughout, for almost the next two years. He romped and took naps with his beloved Boston Terrier, "Teddie" (a gift from my Stepmother on his return from the hospital following his cancer surgery). He gardened, traveled, danced weekly at his social club, wrote poetry, watched hours (and hours!) of boxing matches, growing more gaunt and haunted-looking each time I visited him. All of his food had to be put through the blender so he could even try to eat, and several procedures were done to stretch his esophagus, but nothing really helped. He became a shadow of my cute, dear, funny Daddy, and it truly broke my heart.

Whenever the tears would come, he would always say,"No crying!", and I obeyed. He really didn't allow anyone to be negative or depressed around him; it was his way, and we all respected that. You could tell that he was in pain, but he refused to acknowledge it, and never once did I hear him complain about his circumstance. If something couldn't be changed, you accepted it, and that was that. He always wanted to concentrate on what was still good about life, and that was a valuable lesson to me.

About a month before he died, I flew down to Florida for what was our last visit. He loved black raspberry ice cream, and we managed to get him in the car for the short drive to the ice cream shop. He was in his pajamas, looking terribly weak and unwell. He couldn't walk, so I brought the ice cream out to the car. I could tell that he really enjoyed it, and I wondered how many days he would have left...

When I was diagnosed with cancer, I decided to follow my Father's example, and not ever feel sorry for myself. His strength and his unfailing ability to see the good in every day gave me so much inspiration, and they still do. I never could have imagined that his cancer experience would be a source of strength for me several years later as I made my own journey through treatment. Thank you, Daddy; I love you today and always...

Body Image

2009-03-08T09:05:00.006-04:00

One overriding concern, before and after breast surgery, is "What will I look like afterwards?" I had already had surgery on the same breast with the cancer, in almost exactly the same area, almost 14 years before. The earlier surgery was an excisional biopsy to rule out cancer on a palpable mass, which turned out to be a cyst. I was left with a semi-circular scar about an inch long, which was barely noticeable.

Because breasts are such an important part of our feminine image, it's traumatic to think that in order to remain alive, we might have to relinquish a part of our body, or be left with a body that has been disfigured by surgery. Although, given the choice, naturally you would choose life. Reconstructive surgery post-mastectomy has been a mandated benefit for more than a decade, so at least women now don't have to experience what women of previous generations did.

With my cancer treatment, I had two separate lumpectomy surgeries, so this was something I had to get myself through twice. My cosmetic result, 17 months post-surgeries, is wonderful, and I am very fortunate and grateful. My husband was, as always, incredibly supportive, and repeatedly told me that nothing could ever change his love for me.

One resource available on the Intranet which might dispel any patient's fears about being left "abnormal" post-surgery is called "The Normal Breasts Gallery" (the site is not suitable for the workplace or for children, of course). Personally, I haven't seen a lot of other women's breasts; and the breasts which are displayed via our print and electronic media are Photoshopped into our "ideal" images. This website serves to show women what "normal" women's breasts look like, and it has helped me immensely. I want to mention this resource for women who are wondering about their own body image, because I didn't find out about it until very recently (thanks, Jezebel!).

Fatigue

2009-02-20T18:37:00.006-05:00

In the past, I was compared frequently to the Energizer Bunny, but at this point in my life, I can say that I am no longer a stranger to overwhelming mental and physical fatigue.

The emotional toll of your diagnosis is one thing; it takes a huge amount of your energy to marshal all of your remaining wit and courage to put your psyche back together. This is when you find out what you're really made of. You try to maintain your focus, while wondering if everything you're going through will work: will you be one of the "success stories" in those statistics that you turn to, trying to reassure yourself? How will you plan for dying? Should you? Can you confront the possibility that your life may be coming to an end before you ever imagined it would?

Learning that I had to go through surgery a second time, when I had felt some degree of achievement at getting through the first operation, was quite a mental setback. About 40% of lumpectomy patients must undergo a second surgery, because there are still cancer cells on the margins of their surgery site. I wish that I hadn't needed to wait weeks for the site to heal, only to be cut open again. That was pretty terrible to anticipate, but at least the site was "clean" following the revision surgery. The post-operative infection was also something that I would rather have not experienced; I was truly very ill, and frightened.

Radiation left me a shadow of my former self, and even the smallest task seemed like a huge effort. I would walk a couple of blocks to and from my daily treatment, managing to do this only by sheer will. I had been someone who exercised regularly for decades, and now, I could feel myself becoming less physically powerful, which was frightening. Foods tasted different, and things that I could formerly eat with no problems would upset my stomach. Exercising wasn't possible, and napping became a major "activity". I would awake every morning wondering how I was ever going to drag myself through the day.

One month post-radiation, I began taking an aromatase inhibitor (AI) to prevent my estrogen-positive tumor from returning. I have to take this drug for five years, and I have now been on it for 1 year. It prevents your body from producing estrogen, so it really plays havoc with several aspects of your health. The side effects: "Weakness" - check! "Tiredness" - check! "Mental fuzziness" - check! "Frequent Hot Flashes" - check! "Weight gain" - major check!

I now weigh more than I ever have in my entire life, and I have read numerous accounts from patients who have gained significant weight while taking the AI drugs. These women also emphatically say that eating less and exercising does very little to counteract the effects of taking the AI, which is slowing down your metabolism even more in changing your hormone balance to fight the cancer. My physician swears that all of these drugs make you gain weight. It would be the height of irony to have a heart attack or become diabetic from taking a drug to fight your cancer, but this thought has occurred to me...

I am now keeping track of what I eat, and exercising regularly, hoping that I'll be able to kick-start my metabolism again. It's better to be tired from exercising than from inactivity; it's a whole different kind of tired, a "good" tired. I hope that in a few weeks I'll recognize my lower body again, because there's someone I've never seen before looking back at me in the mirror...

Another Birthday

2009-02-06T18:43:00.007-05:00

Tomorrow is my Birthday. I never really care to make a big fuss about my Birthday; I was brought up in the tradition that "It's just another day". Dressing up, going out and partying never appeals to me. Now, of course, I'm happy to tack another year onto my current total, because it means that I have survived to have another Birthday, thanks to the wonders of modern medical care.

I don't know a single person who doesn't get older each day, and I would never choose to go back to when I was younger. Move forward, and don't look back. To anyone who doesn't want to "get old": consider the alternative!

Each day that I wake up and look at my wonderful husband's adorable face is the best day of my life. I am loved for exactly who I am, with all of my flaws and scars! Someone knows everything about me, the good and the bad, and that person loves me more each year that we're together. He even swears that I am more beautiful now than the day that we were married. What more could I ever wish for? Just to stay alive, so that we can continue growing old together...

Long before my illness, beginning in my childhood, I had lost so many family members that I already knew how precious and priceless life is. And, I believe that life is all about "the little things" which happen every day, and that many people unfortunately overlook.

My Father sent the following quote in my Birthday card several years ago:

"Every day is a gift; that's why we call it the Present".

My Mother gave me a plaque for my Birthday a long time ago that said: "There's something to love in every day".

I couldn't agree more.

"Why Me?"

2009-02-05T19:05:00.007-05:00

I have never thought that Fate has chosen me to be a cancer "victim", or a cancer "saint". People who get cancer are exactly that; we are just people. There's no reason to treat us any differently. Don't feel sorry for us, or put us on a pedestal; and don't avoid us because we make you uncomfortable about your own mortality. Just be there when we need a laugh, a hug, to talk, or to simply be in your presence without speaking a word. Our society tends to deify cancer patients, and we are human beings who need other human beings to treat us like people.

One thing that's never a good response to any adverse circumstance is the "Why Me" attitude. It's self-defeating, and it won't help you to deal with this life-struggle that you have just unwillingly begun.

You didn't get cancer because the world hates you, or you needed to be taught a lesson - it just happens. There's no cosmic revenge involved. And, if you didn't know it by now, self-pity, no matter what the situation, isn't going to help you one little bit. It also has the effect of alienating others if you're a continual "drama queen" about your life. I know that I find people with this kind of behavior incredibly draining and tiresome.

Reading and educating yourself as much as possible about your cancer is a good way for you to focus, and push away some of your fears. For example, I read "Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book" from cover to cover immediately after my stereotactic biopsy, prior to my diagnosis. I wanted to know my treatment options, learn about possible surgical procedures that I might have to consider, and it was important to get this type of information from a renowned physician in the field. When I got to the part about various reconstructive surgeries, I actually began to feel sick at this possibility, but I kept on reading. Luckily, I didn't need this type of surgery; but it made me realize that there is always someone who is facing far more than you are, and you need to keep this in perspective. Your life is literally in your hands; you must be well-informed about your situation and the decisions you need to make. An educated patient is an effective self-advocate. Your focus should be on using your energy positively, not negatively - don't waste it feeling sorry for yourself. You don't have the "luxury of time". Don't let your diagnosis stun you into a state where you're unable to take action. Harsh advice, but true.

Alone

2009-02-01T08:24:00.010-05:00

I have never minded being alone. Maybe it's because I'm an only child, but I enjoy my solitude, and prefer not to spend time in large groups of people. I'm used to going almost everywhere by myself, and I like it that way.

This being said, I have never felt as alone as I did during certain times during my treatment; to the point where it was completely frightening and overpowering, and I just wanted it to be over.

The six weeks of radiation treatment was one example: You're physically overwhelmed by the equipment, the feeling that you've lost any control of your fate, and something that has the power to kill you is being beamed into your body, in hopes of just killing the "bad" cancer cells. And, unlike the chemo patients whom I would walk by on my way to treatment, no one can hold your hand while you're lying on that table, which makes you feel even more alone. When the techs all leave the room, shut the door, and dim the lights, it's just you and the big, futuristic (yet oddly scary) machine.

The many scans and MRIs were also isolating and fear-laden. Although I'm a small person, I'm extremely claustrophobic, which only made things worse. I knew that having these procedures was to my benefit, but it certainly didn't get any easier.

The brain MRI was primally terrifying on several levels: having to be placed all the way into "the tunnel" of the machine (I now have an enhanced fear of ever being in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber, an iron lung, or using a tanning bed!); wearing a space helmet-like contraption, which increases your sense of being penned in and unable to breathe; strapping down your body at strategic points, so you can't move and ruin the imaging. Worst of all was only being able to see outside of the machine via a mirror positioned directly above your eyes, inside the helmet.

I was utterly panicked that: the building might lose electricity; I'd somehow be trapped forever inside the machine; the staff would forget that I was there, and leave for the day. I have spoken with other cancer patients who also had brain MRIs, and they felt the same level of abject terror during the procedure. If I ever needed to have this done again, I would ask to be medicated beforehand - without question. Sedate me, please!

The treatments, and the heightened sense of isolation during them, served to make me realize that I alone had the power to find my inner core of strength, and to use it in responding to my situation. Others can give you comfort, advice, hugs, but YOU have to find the resolve to get yourself through the bad times - to reach the good times, when you will no longer feel like "a patient" every day. And, that day will come.

When you hear "those words"

2009-01-27T19:21:00.002-05:00

Just like you remember exactly where you were and how you felt during other momentous occasions, the moment when you were told "You have cancer" is seared into your memory.

I had to call my surgeon to get the results of my stereotactic biopsy, and I mustered all of the courage I had to dial the number, bracing myself for the news. When I was told, "I'm sorry, the biopsy showed cancer; but we will get you through this", I didn't think, "I'm going to die", but "What do I have to do to beat this thing?" The good thing is that "cancer" didn't equal "death" in my mindset. And, this is from someone who lost her Father, Aunt, and Uncle to cancer.

The hardest part was when, immediately after receiving my diagnosis, I had to call my husband at work to let him know. I completely broke down and sobbed into the telephone, even though I shed no tears while speaking with my surgeon. I hated to burden him with the news, even though he was more than willing to walk alongside me on my then unknown cancer journey.

People say that you are the sum total of the things that happen to you: I say that you are the sum total of how you respond to the things that happen to you. Having a positive outlook has proven to be vitally important in getting me through two surgeries, post-operative infections, 6 weeks of radiation, many, many scans and MRIs, and the negative effects of my anti-cancer medication.

Having cancer has taught me that I'm a heck of a lot stronger than I would have thought. Also, cancer puts everything in perspective for you: things that were formerly big problems really do pale in comparison, which is a plus. Cancer also makes you realize that your time and energies are limited, and from that moment on, you should concentrate on what is truly important and fulfilling to you. That's another positive aspect of the diagnosis.

"Adversity"

2009-01-24T09:51:00.010-05:00

A shout-out to the folks at Despair.com for the "Adversity" sign; it sums up exactly how I feel about my situation. Truer words were never written, and I prefer to deal with adverse events in my life in a humorous way. Humor is my way of coping with life's dilemmas. If you haven't seen their stuff, check out their website: http://despair.com

Yes, I survived almost drowning at age 13, being run over by a van (now I have something in common with Steven King, besides our terrible eyesight) and I have lived 18 months after being diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. However, we're all still on the same path to oblivion, so I prefer to see overcoming these things as pretty ironic. I would much rather be alive, though!

My PCP said that the cancer was just "a bump in the road" (kind of like the van accident, perhaps?), but that road is the one on which we are all traveling.

"No One Here Gets Out Alive" was a great book title, but it's also true. But, I'm very grateful that I'm able to write about it. I'm planning to live a long time, and to die in Maui.